The Roller Pack

So Ive already discussed the Brazilian man’s work pack, and now its time for the Brazilian woman’s Roller-pack which led to an important self realization.

In elementary school/junior high, I was the bitch. And by “bitch” I don’t mean the popular girl who makes out with boys and makes fun of girls…I mean the bitch’s little bitch. I constantly had to prove that I was cool so they wouldn’t realize that I wasn’t

Unfortunately, my mom had other plans for me. These plans included roller backpacks, hairy legs, braces and panty lines.

Thongs were strictly forbidden, braces were strictly enforced, legs could only be shaved to the knee and the roller backpack was “convenient and cute”. Needless to say, my mission of being accepted was DENIED!

Fast forward 10 years or so and I finally get it. I was meant to be Brazilian! The only place in the world where a grown woman with long golden leg hairs, a roller backpack, braces and panty lines could be sexy. I knew I loved this country!

Carioca ™

How to become a true Carioca Woman:

1. Permanent Tan lines – teachers have em, doctors have em, newscasters have em, infants have em, hell…even porn stars have em!

2. Heals – a pair for work, a pair for the movie theater, a pair for the night clubs, a pair for the grocery store, and a pair for your dear old 90 year old grandma with a broken hip.

3. Gastro-Gluteus Relocation Surgery – Consult with your doctor about this controversial new surgery where you can get your stomach surgically relocated to your ass. The more beans, salgados, pastels, coxinhas, pão de queijo, and esfihas you eat, the better! It’s drastic but there is no other way.

4. Learn Your Diminutives because everything is legalzinho, fofinho, pequenininho, engraçadinho and rapidinho.

5. Scar Yourself! No matter how convincingly you apply steps 1-4, you will never pass the Carioca da Gema test without full commitment to step 5. That little crater scar on the fleshy part of the upper arm is like the government’s way of keeping track of the natural born citizens. Even if you marry in, you will never be a true Carioca without the crater scar. Bring out the branding iron!