Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Crazy Gringo Culture Shock

I'm officially in California! I had planned on trying to get together and actually meet all of you Rio ex-pats before leaving (so I no longer have to refer to you as my "internet friends"), but you know what they say: Time flies when you're having fun in denial about leaving and don't even notice it's time until you're sitting on an airplane surrounded by obnoxious, sun-burnt Americans.

The goodbye was hard, and I can't even begin to imagine how often the airport staff has to wait on weepy american girls saying bye to their sexy brazilian "boyfriends"...the whole thing felt sort of silly and cliche, which made it a little easier. Anyways, if we've made it 6 months apart, 3 months should be half as hard, right?

I hate flying because not only do I always feel sick to my stomach, but I ALWAYS get placed next to the crazies. Well, this flight was no different. While waiting for my flight, I had the pleasure of listening to a gringo who "vacays in Copacabana because its the only place where the prostitutes are hot" giving advice to a Swedish man about the best time to visit Las Vegas. Apparently it's Valentines Day because all of the boyfriend-less women are depressed (of course) and go to Vegas to drink their sorrows away, lowering their standards enough to hook up with ogres. He ended up in the seat behind me.

Next to me was a lovely Australian couple. And when I say "lovely", I actually mean "incredibly rude AND smelly". They fought the whole time....with me because I wouldn't give up my isle seat and move to the window. I'm sorry but I saved that seat 1 month ahead of time and your husband's flatulence does not make me any more eager to be trapped in the window seat.

The real "cereja no bolo" was the long-haired, eye liner-wearing, blue velvet jacket-sporting American who challenged a poor brazilian man to a duel. The seat belt light was turned off once we landed, and two brazilian men tried to rush to the front to get off the plane before the huge line of overhead luggage people formed. Well, "velvet jacket" didn't like that. He stepped in front and said, "If you wanna get by, TOUGH GUY, you gotta go through me". The Brazilian apologized and told the man he would wait.

That didn't work, "velvet jacket" was ready for a fight! Of course, he made sure to mention that he was too classy to fight in front of women and children, and that they should both "walk like gentlemen until baggage claim" where the duel was set to occur just after sun-down. The next 20 minutes was excruciating while everyone was stuck in line; velvet jacket just inches from the poor brazilian man's face, staring! Every now and then he mumbled "tough guy" and "you better be ready to go hard". It was creepily sexual, and everyone was staring and stifling laughter.

As expected, "velvet jacket" was nowhere to be found at baggage claim.

P.S. There is no picture included in this post because I am writing on a Mac computer and I can't figure anything out. Macs are a weird dichotomy of being made as simple as possible for children and computer-tards, and being incredibly difficult to figure out. It's almost like your IQ has to be below a certain number to understand how to use one...
Sorry if anyone is offended by that...but you know its true!


  1. Sorry you had to endure that crap. I guess there aholes in every culture. Welcome back to California. Hope you make it back to Brazil soon.

  2. Dear Nancy,

    Hang in tight, 3 months will fly by so quickly you won't have time to miss Brazil.
    Enjoy home while you are there. You will be back in Brazil to enjoy most of the summer down there...


  3. Hey. HEY! Don't talk that way about mac's. It IS true, if you can't figure it out you're doing it wrong because they're super simple. But it does take some getting used to.

    but HEY!

    I can't wait to hear how things are in Cali... more funny stories like these, please! (Well, by funny I mean the people stories. Not about your sorrow. :..( I'm sorry)

  4. Hilarious! Have fun back home!!!


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