Cadê meu Açaí?

I arrived in Brazil with the American perception of Açaí as the cure-all berry. After eating it every day for about a year, I started to recognize it for what it really was, a sugar-filled crack pipe that left me with 4 extra kilos and a root canal that cost me my life savings.

I was able to kick the habit upon arriving in the US, and the withdrawals weren’t too bad, but I did fear for the day I would return to Brazil. Would I wind up sleeping in the streets, selling strands of my precious blonde hair for Açaí money?

I am proud to say that I have only relapsed once since arriving here 5 months ago, and I could almost hear my teeth weeping. But why is it that I NEEDED Açaí on a daily basis the first time I was in Brazil, but I have almost no desire to eat it now? What was different about my daily life last year and now?

Hangovers.

I always used to drink Açaí to cure my hangovers.

I should have known. I always create a placebo hangover cure. In the United States it was bagels because they “soak up the alcohol”. When I couldn’t get a bagel it was listening to shitty old Blink 182 songs because they “make me want to vomit for a whole other reason”. In Brazil it was Açaí because I’m a stupid American that thinks it “cures all”.

So alcohol is the gateway drug that led me into my downward spiral of sugar addiction and cavities. Don’t let it happen to you…drink responsibly.

Se for beber, não coma Açaí.